Week 36 Thoughts

I had a baby! Just kidding. This is little elf-nosed Henryboy and sleepy me.

So here's the deal. I'm getting nervous. I just reread Henry's birth story because, well, I wanted to remember what it was like. I can't remember that much. Probably because it was so nutso and I pushed it out of my memory. I read a birth story tonight of another woman who recently had a baby and it got me thinking about Henry's birth. I felt really disconnected from him right from the beginning and honestly I cannot remember feeling overwhelming love for him right away in the hospital... or even for a couple weeks. I thought he was cute and I loved him because I knew he came out of me and that I was his mother, but I didn't feel a real connection until later. I don't want that to happen again. I don't want another c-section. I don't want to be so out of it and not really aware what's happening. I want to experience it and be fully present. I know I want these things, but I know that it'll go however it goes.

I can't remember if I've already written about this on my blog, but I wanted to share it here anyway. When Kevin and I were trying to get pregnant this time around it didn't happen fast. It took 8 months. I know that's not terribly long, but it felt like it. About 2 or 3 or 4 months into it I was sitting on the toilet (glamorous) with another month of failed attempts (ha! that sounds funny) behind me and I felt sad. Again. I distinctly had these words come into my mind: It won't come easy. I internally groaned and rolled my eyes because this is not the "answer" that I wanted. So for the next several months, that baby did not come easy. Finally we got pregnant. And for the first 20 weeks I was sick. Well, I should say that weeks 5-20 were bad. Super sick. After week 14 or so (when my morning sickness let up with Henry) I got to thinking about those words again. It will not come easy. I started to think that maybe those words were for more than just getting pregnant. Maybe my pregnancy wouldn't be easy, too. How true that has become. From about week 24-now I've been sick, too. Not morning sickness sick, but just as hard to deal with. If not harder. Many nights I have layed in bed crying to Kevin that this is the hardest thing I've ever done and that I wish he could just take it all away. It hasn't come easy. I'm 36 weeks and still sick. Every day. This phrase has kept me going, along with numerous scriptures and quotes and choosing to be happy. I never thought I would be going through something so difficult with a pregnancy. Outwardly it's not difficult. I don't have a disease. The baby is completely healthy and fine. All I do is spend lots of time on a toilet, curled up with pillows on my bed, holding Kevin's hand in the middle of the night because I'm scared of throwing up (amazingly I haven't thrown up once this pregnancy), and staying home for a lot of the time. It's not a scary pregnancy, but I simply am just so defeated by it at times. Lots of times. I get really sad about it. My poor Kevin never knows what Rikki to expect when he gets home in the evening or when we wake up in the mornings. I hate my pregnant self sometimes. But I was warned, I have to say that. It won't come easy, I was told. I'm not sure why it hasn't come easy. Maybe a lesson in patience, humility, compassion for others, and a good old fashioned life lesson? Definitely. All of the above. I apparently need growth and I'm working on it daily. Miraculously, I can see the growth and be thankful for it. Even honored that I'm deemed worthy for growth because I know it only makes me a stronger, better person. I love the moments that I can see that with clarity. Often, I don't see it. And I complain and whine and cry and am bogged down with sadness and depression. But some moments I do see it and they are beautiful.

So anyway. I'm nervous. I'm nervous that the "It won't come easy" words will translate into a scary birth, a hard baby to deal with, weeks and months and years of "hard". I'm sure it won't go as planned - nothing really does - so I'm gearing up for that. I'm not sure what to make of those words I heard clearly in my mind. But I do know that I'm toughening up and softening for it. Whatever "it" is. Maybe I'm over-thinking it - something I do really well. But I'm happy that this pregnancy is coming to a close. I'm excited to meet little baby Martin and to smell his sweet baby breath and to cuddle close to him and hopefully bridge the gap that I felt with Henry in the hospital. These next few weeks are precious to me as I spend them with my first baby boy, soaking up his perfect little self before I have to share my love with another perfect little boy.

It's been a process, my friends. Choosing happiness doesn't come overnight. I know that for sure. Especially when crazy hormones get in my way and show themselves at inconvenient times. But I'm trying and I'm pretty sure that's the only thing that matters.