Pregnancy...

I'm not sure what I expected the second time around being pregnant, but this is not it. Well, yes, I did expect some things. I expected an easy pregnancy, just like with the little bugger above, I expected to feel so distracted with a toddler running around that I wouldn't think much about my pregnant state, and I expected to feel more energetic than I currently do.

I want to remember what this is like, because I seem to have forgotten what it was like when I was pregnant with Henry. For one, it is not easy to be pregnant. Nor is it very fun. I try to limit my complaining the best I can, or when I remember, because I'm so lucky to be able to have children. I am so happy as a mom and can't imagine not being able to get pregnant. I know that I'm blessed beyond anything. But I still have really hard days and weeks and months. Like, really hard. It's easy to forget your blessings.

Some hard things I've had to deal with this pregnancy:
- Sick in the beginning until about 20 weeks. With Henry it was 14 weeks till it let up. I don't throw up - haven't with either - but the unending nausea is killer. It is really, really terrible. I had a super duper excited gag reflex, too. Like, for a week or two I couldn't even swallow without gagging. I was freaking out like I'd never be able to eat again. I lost about 7 pounds during this time.
- I wasn't as exhausted as I was with Henry. With him, I would go to bed a lot at 7:00 pm. That's insanely early. I was SO tired all the time. In fact, I remember thinking, irrationally, that I didn't know if I'd rather be nauseous or so exhausted. Obviously I'd pick the tired thing, but it's really hard to function that way. It's almost like sleepwalking. I've been really lucky that I didn't experience the terrible exhaustion. I'm tired, but I take a nap almost every day when Henry does and I go to bed between 9 and 10. That's a lot of sleep, I know, but my days are long and tiring. (Being a mom in general, teaching piano two nights a week, mutual one night a week, nannying 1-2 days a week, and the serious busyness of the weekends - basketball for youth, giving rides, husband gone with his high council duties which leaves me alone all day Sunday, etc.)
- After 20 weeks, I felt really good. I was hungry again (!), I had more energy, and I just felt pretty much normal. Like I was hardly pregnant. Then a couple weeks later I got sick. TMI alert! I got a stomach bug (non-throwing up kind, thank goodness) for a few days and then it never let up for 2 months. For 2 months I had diarrhea. TWO MONTHS. I would cry every day. Not just because of the diarrhea, but because I had seriously terrible stomach aches. Nausea, gas, pain, major rumbling, you name it. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. That sounds so ridiculous now, because I'm sort of past it, but it was SO HARD. I didn't want to do anything because everything gave me a stomach ache. Riding in the car, eating, laying down (heartburn would come), just doing anything was hard. I didn't like going places either because, well, I like my own bathroom. Anyway, you get the point. Dairy seems to be the problem, so I've been off it for almost 3 weeks now. Life is SO MUCH BETTER. I do seem to be affected by vitamins, too. So I'm still working out that dilemma.
- Dealing with guilt. Oh, dear. I have serious mommy guilt at times. Like, I don't spend enough quality time with Henry because I feel sick. Or he watches too many shows because I feel sick. Or I can't take him to play with other kids because I feel sick. Or I wish I could do this and that and everything else, but I'm tired and sick and on the days I feel well, I need to clean my house or actually make a real dinner! The guilt is not fun. But I know this - I'm trying. I'm trying to soak up these last few weeks where it's just me and him. I cry almost daily about this issue, too. :) I wish I could change things, but the fact is, I can't. I can't make myself feel better and I can't really be a better mom either. I'm doing my best and that's enough for us. I've had to say no to a lot of friend things since being pregnant. I wish I could change it, but I can't.

I have to remind myself daily - hourly sometimes! - that this won't last. Soon there will be another precious boy in our home and we will all be happy and healthy. Pregnancy doesn't last forever, thank gooooodness, but I can't dwell on the bad stuff. Emotions get in the way of all this, making it harder, but luckily I have good days to outweigh the bad. Oh man, life is weird and crazy.

So if any of you are having hard days, know you're not alone. :) I'm here, and will be for 9 more weeks. And then we'll meet little baby Hein.